My dad has been in the hospital since Thursday, December 5. Its not a big shock since he’s been in and out of the hospital for the last couple years since he’s been diagnosed with a rare cancerous tumor that is growing and spreading. This time though, it seems to be getting serious and I feel like I am slowly losing my optimism. I always say he’s ok and he’s going to make it and I’ve been right in the past. Now when I say it I ask myself if I truly believe that. 

Im at home, my husband and daughter sleeping next to me. I went to the bathroom to blow my nose and I ended up being in there for 15 minutes just crying and talking to my heavenly father about my earthly father. I got this idea of changing into warmer pajamas and packing a blanket and pillow and going to the hospital to spend the night there. Thea sleeps through the night and if she needed something, Jesus could handle it. For a second, I felt like a 7 year old just wanting to crawl into my dads hospital bed and lay with him, just be with him. The thought of going came to me and I was surprised that I considered leaving Thea, which is not like me. I thought, she’ll be fine, she doesn’t need me. I need my dad. I don’t care about losing sleep, its never really been an issue for me. I could come back around 5am before Jesus wakes up.

Here I am, sitting next to my baby, writing. My dad says his body is suffering and a lot of things are happening internally. Yesterday he felt so bad he asked me to call him so he could dictate a letter on his final wishes. He said maybe things could get complicated very quickly and he wouldn’t have much time left. I asked if he was giving up and he said no, he wants to live longer and he is staying optimistic but he also has to be realistic. He has always been very realistic. He always says exactly what he feels and never holds back. If he says his time is coming then maybe it is. 

I told my mom that we are blessed because we know he is sick and he could die soon so we have an opportunity to make this time memorable. Many people just get a phone call that a loved one suddenly died and thats a real shock. God is allowing us to prepare. How long will he give us to be prepared?

My dad is receiving a blood transfusion right now because the drs said he has anemia which is common in cancer patients. I did some research right now and that is suppose to help and theres a study that says cancer patients that received blood transfusions lived longer than anemic patients who did not. I research as much as I can. 

I told my mom today, after we left the hospital, that I would like my dad to come home and be home. I don’t care if he dies in our home. I want him here. She rather have him at the hospital because she’s afraid that we can’t care for him correctly or we won’t know what to do in case of an emergency. Im six months pregnant and Thea’s constantly running around. But for me, him being home is better. He will be fine here. 

Its very odd trying to be positive and really “speak it into existence” when I also feel like I need to accept and understand. Im in a battle with myself. What is the reality? If I say ok, I accept it, he’s on his way out am I betraying him? Am I going against what I’ve always preached about being positive? Am I giving up if I accept that he might be dying? If I keep saying he is ok and he will be fine and he will get through this, am I being unrealistic and selfish? I don’t know how to feel and I am going back and forth. 

I pray all day that God will give me peace and understanding and that he will comfort my mom. He will be fine and so will we.