I became a Mother 2 months ago. I don’t quite know what being a Mother means yet. I feel like I am still the same person. My mom and other people said I would “change” once I became a mother. Maybe I have changed and the changes are so subtle that I haven’t noticed yet. What I do know is I have an indescribable love for my daughter. I have spent every day since she was born with her and I love it. 

The first couple weeks were a little odd and somewhat rough, especially the night time when the world was asleep and it was just my baby and I. My thoughts would race and I would just stare at her and wonder. I wonder what she feels, what she thinks, does she know how much I love her? The first week after I had Thea I found myself crying a lot. I really just felt a need to cry. I felt this odd feeling. I was so happy and so grateful that I had a precious baby in my arms. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her, I didn’t even want to put her down. Of course, my mom was the first person to notice I was a little “off” (mother’s intuition, I guess) The craziest part is, I would cry earlier in the day and she would call to see how we were doing and then ask, “Estabas llorando? Que tienes?”

I felt that I wanted to be with my baby every second and protect her and never let her go. I wanted to do the best I could do in every aspect and not mess anything up. I felt this huge responsibility. I am completely in love with this tiny baby and I don’t want to do anything wrong. Even now, I cant really explain it. The first time she threw up I held her and I started crying and praying to know what to do. She was completely fine and just laid on my chest while I cried quietly so Jesus wouldn’t hear. I even had a few days where I felt I couldn’t take a deep breath. The breathing sensation started when we were going to leave the house for the first time.

I didn’t want to say how I was feeling because I didn’t want to seem crazy. I have always had an annoying need to control everything. I thought that things needed to be a certain way (my certain way) or else it was a mess. I’m learning that I need to let go of the “control.” My first lesson in letting go was the first time Thea pooped through two outfits and a blanket in one night! She is teaching me a lot in such little time. 

I recently started noticing in my conversations and even my journal that all I talked about and wrote about was Thea. In one journal entry I wrote so much about her and when I finished I realized I didn’t even write down how I was feeling physically or what I had been up to or anything about me. My sister suggested getting a separate journal just for Thea where I could write to her about what she did that day and I could keep my personal journal to talk about myself and how I’m feeling, my relationship with Jesus etc. I am still figuring out who I really am and I do not want to get lost in my daughter. Yes, she is everything to me but at the same time, she is not everything. (It sounds terrible but I think it’s the truth.) I need to know who I am, what I want and what I stand for so she can do the same. I want to learn as much as possible so I can teach her not only with my words but with my actions. 

It has only been two months since she’s been born and I pray I get to enjoy a lifetime with her. I feel her love for me every second. She literally leans closer into me and stares at me and I just know in my heart she loves me as much as I love her. I am trusting in God and my intuition (which I believe comes from Him) to help me raise her. I am learning so much about myself and how to give unconditional love. I guess I have changed a little.

Thank you Thea for brining so much love and joy into my life. We are learning and growing together. I love you