Dad, tonight I went on your facebook to read your past posts. I read messages people wrote to you and your replies to them. It all started in the morning when I went through your papers to see what was trash. I saw a document you filled out and I was surprised that seeing your hand writing got me emotional. Your handwriting! I see pictures of you and I touch them, I touch your face. I don’t know why but it makes me feel good so I do it. Tonight, my heart is aching. I miss you so much. I dream of you often and it’s so nice to see you and hear your voice in my dreams. I know you are in a better place, I know it without a doubt in my heart. I just miss you so much and I wish I could see you once more. I don’t know if you can hear me so I talk to God and I ask him to tell you I said hello and to tell you how much I miss you. I ask him to give you a hug for me. I just want you to know that I think of your every second.

The other day I was meeting with clients and I was talking out loud while I drove. I was talking to you, or asking God to send the message to you. I always want to tell you about my day and what’s going on with me, my husband, the kids, work, and everything else. I miss telling you every single detail of my life and you telling me to wrap it up when I talked to much. I remember  when I was young you would time me with your phone while I talked about everything and everyone. You also timed me to see how long I could stay quiet for hahaha. I love to talk, like you did. And I especially loved to talk to you. 

I am good most days, but today I just broke down. I’m sitting in my bathroom writing this letter to you. I remember in middle school and high school when I was making bad choices and you would tell me how disappointed you were in me and you would be upset I would lay in my room and write you letters. I’m sure mom has them. Dad you were such an incredible human being. How did I get so lucky to have you as my dad. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything you gave me. You taught me so much! I just wish you were here to teach me more and guide me. I need to hear your words and I need your guidance every day. 

There is so much going on in the world right now and I know you see it. I wish you could tell me what to do next. 

Dad, I talk to Thea about you every day. She still remembers you and she says you would sit her on your bed and put on shows for her and give her tums. Sometimes she says, “Grandpa ven!” She also misses you and she wishes you would just come so she could see you. Ezekiel is so big and he is so sweet. He is always smiling and happy. If you thought Thea was sweet and calm, Ezekiel is an angel. Thea has a strong personality, like you. She’s determined, strong-willed, independent, funny and strong, like you. 

Dad, Michael worries me a lot. You know I am always worried about him. He misses you too. He is still drinking a lot. I don’t know how to help him. Please ask God to tell me how I can help him. If you can, visit Michael. He hasn’t dreamt about you. But maybe it would help if he did. Or if somehow he could feel you. I know his heart is aching for you too. 

I miss you. You’re birthday is coming up. You would be turning 56. I want to celebrate your birthday and honor your life as best as I can. 

Thank you Dad. I know you’ll read this. I love you forever!